In the past two years...

...So much has happened. Its hard to believe that snowy night I blindly chose Milwaukee as my next hometown was during my senior year of college in 2010. So much has happened. I came in to City Year as a shy 21-year-old, fresh out of college in rural Ohio and not so fresh out of my urban roots in New York. A newly retired varsity athlete, I was eager to reinvent myself. I was eager to challenge myself, to do something I never thought I wanted to do – work with kids.

In reflecting on my past two years of service, I am reminded of a quote by Isaac Newton: “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” I am proud of the work I have accomplished, the ways I have changed for the better, the growth my students have made, the growth of HLCS and City Year’s partnership – but none of this would have been possible if certain “giants” had not done some serious work before me.

First, to all of the City Year partner teachers – Ms. Holt, Ms. Swenson, Ms. Schmitz, Ms. Jackson, Ms. C. Williams, Mr. P., Mrs. Montemurri, and Ms. Manning – thank you. It is nothing short of a privilege to partner in your classrooms and work together for a common goal of helping students, I stand on your shoulders. To Dr. Baez, your leadership is something I admire, and your partnership with City Year is something of enormous value; to Mrs. Mosely-Magee, thank you for jumping into HLCS with both feet! I stand on both your shoulders. To the entire staff of HLCS, thank you for not only welcoming this year’s and last year’s City Year team with open arms, but also for holding us to a high standard. I love the community that exists within our school building, I love knowing every staff member by name, and I’m grateful to have worked at HLCS for these past two years. I stand on all of your shoulders.

Next, to the 2011-2012 City Year team – Ms. Cassie, Mr. A., Ms. Passionelle, Ms. Lexie, Mr. Payne, Mr. Isaia, Ms. Camille, and Mr. Jake – I stand on your shoulders. You taught me how to be strong and persevere, how to find my voice (and use it), how perception is reality, and how to be comfortable in my own skin.

And finally, to the 2012-2013 City Year team – Ms. Jen, Ms. Erin, Ms. Janessa, Ms. Meagan, Mr. Montell, Ms. Mo, and Mr. Zak – I stand on your shoulders. From you, I’ve learned about the power of reflection, the power of celebrating small wins, and the power of the words, ‘thank you’. You have let me be my complete goofy self in front of you. You all have motivated me daily with your stories of your students and your teachers, your willingness to grow, your unwavering commitment to excellence, and your appreciation for one another. I know you recognize what a privilege it is to serve at Hopkins Lloyd, and I hope you know how much you all mean to me. I will never forget any of you.

It has been an amazing year full of learning, growth, smiles, perspective, high fives, reflection, relay races, tears, and food from Coffee Makes You Black. Would I go back and do it all again? In a heartbeat.

Happy.

I've been reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, a book about a woman living in NYC who embarks on a year journey to make herself happier. At the end, it provides guidelines to the reader for him/her to create his/her own happiness project. I am thinking about starting one, because, well...why not?

What makes you feel good? What activities do you find fun, satisfying, or energizing?

-Dancing, reading, writing, listening to John Mayer, Florence + the Machine, the Beatles, drinking coffee alone, drinking wine/beer with others, traveling, exercising, creating things/being crafty, being in the sun, looking at maps, taking pictures, challenging myself intellectually/physically, making other people laugh, laughing myself, helping people, teaching people, painting murals

-This list is very similar to previous lists I've created, with just a few things changed. Interesting.

What makes you feel bad? What are sources of anger, irritation, boredom, frustration, or anxiety in your life?

-Not getting enough sleep. UGH, when people don't listen to me, being around people for more than 10 hours a day, being disorganized, the fact that my carbon footprint is larger than I'd like it to be, the fact that I haven't been out of the country in almost 2 years, that some don't believe in the power of young people, prejudices and -isms, when people ask for advice, don't take it, and continue to make the same mistakes, when people refuse to self-reflect, when I don't have enough money for rent, pre-conceived notions about me because of the way I look

Is there any way in which you don't feel right about your life? Do you wish you could change your job, city, family situation, or other circumstances? Are you living up to your expectations for yourself? Does your life reflect your values?

-I sometimes wish I could change my city, but I don't know if I want to start over building relationships in a new city because I love so many people that I've met in Milwaukee. I also love the job I have in Milwaukee. I wish I could travel more, speak more languages, help more kids. I wish I didn't live in such a segregated city. I hate change in some instances, but know it's necessary, and love it in others. 

-I sometimes think life would be easy if I could go through it not being tied down at all to a place or to people. But then I think of how much I would miss out on if I didn't stop and take the time to really invest in other people. I think of how lonely I'd be if I lived alone. I think of how much I wouldn't know. I truly wish I could bundle all the wonderful people I've ever met together and take them with me as I travel the world, tutoring English, and painting murals. 

Do you have sources of an atmosphere of growth? In what elements of your life do you find progress, learning, challenge, improvement, and increased mastery?

-My service with City Year constantly challenges me and forces growth and reflection. I also found all these elements in figure skating, but my passion for that slowly burned out. At the present time, City Year makes me progress, learn, and master skills, while it also challenges me and improves me. That is the selfish side of the work I do. I also, through City Year, have the opportunity to make others progress, learn, and master skills, while challenging and improving them. 

-If it ain't broke, don't fix it...?

Because paper is flammable.

The journal from whence this blog post came.

...I am copying my running list of New Things I've Done (c. 2009) here:

-figure skated internationally

-traveled to Europe alone (Lux, Germany, Belgium, France)

-paid my own bills

-owned personalized checks

-spent Christmas without my parents

-completed a New York magazine crossword puzzle

-subscribed to the Wall Street Journal

-studied for an exam until 5:30 am

-rented a house with 6-8 other girls

-had a one-night stand

-shopped at Harrod's, London, UK

-studied Italian

-went to a Passover seder

-went to the Czech Republic

-went to China

-went on a typical college spring break to Florida

-had a mimosa with breakfast

-went to a Bible study

-had my own double bed

-stayed for 2 months in a foreign country (Italy)

-swam in the Adriatic and Tyrrhenian seas

-swam in Lake Como

-written journal entries in a foreign language

-watched a movie in a foreign movie theater (Harry Potter 6, Florence, Italy)

-saw The Last Supper by da Vinci

-got an A on an Italian oral exam

-competed in the Senior division

-tried absinthe

-done an Irish Car Bomb

-climbed to the top of the duomos in Florence and Milan

-owned Birkenstocks - and loved them

-paid for and stayed in a hotel room by myself (Milan, Italy)

-drank before 11 am (champagne after my Italian 305 final)

-tried pesto - and loved it

-successfully made pasta

-finished an entire bottle of wine by myself

-went to San Marino

-spent the night on an airport floor

-went to Switzerland

-went to Belgium

-went jet skiing

-driven 10 hours, Oxford, OH - NYC, NY, alone

-played ultimate frisbee - and loved it

-watched 4th of July fireworks in NYC

-graduated from college

-published a photograph

-saw John Mayer live

-studied Portuguese

-quit figure skating

-developed my own photographs

-lived in a LES, Manhattan apartment

-commuted daily on the subway

-driven 16 hours, NYC, NY - Milwaukee, WI, alone

-went to Malaysia

-went to Thailand

-had a 15 hour work day

-rented a car

-went inside a mosque

-went inside a Baha'i temple

-took a spontaneous trip to Chicago (train ticket & hotel room booked within 24 hours of departure)

-went gluten-free for 40 days

-managed 7 of my peers

-gone a year without dyeing my hair

-saw Jerry Seinfeld live

-went to a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game

-went to a Milwaukee Bucks game

-toured a brewery

-rowed crew

-saw Pres. Obama speak live

-spoke in front of 1000 people

-slept at Northeastern University

-climbed to the top of Milwaukee's City Hall

-got an oil change

-took a latin dance class

...to be continued. At least now I have it backed up somewhere. It's interesting...the majority of these deal with travel and alcohol. 

In re-typing this, I flashed through every experience, and I love that I don't regret any of these things for one single second. I probably will never drink absinthe again because it made me hallucinate, but it brought me closer to the people I was studying abroad with. I have never been in water so cold as Lake Como, but it was so exhilarating, so purifying for my soul. I may not ever be able to fluently journal in Italian again, but I have the record that I was once at that level of proficiency. I hope I never have to finish off an entire bottle of wine again, but the night(s) I did that in Italy were some of the most memorable. My life, in just the past 4 years, has been so enriched by all these things, and all these things in some way or another have led me to the life I'm currently living in Milwaukee. Oh yeah, I forgot to add 'lived in WISCONSIN' to the list. That's certainly something I never thought I'd do.

Check back for more. I am young, wild, and free - and I will add to this list. Or what's a life for?

"Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"

It's hard not to contemplate these lyrics as I sit in my cubicle at King Library. It's currently thunder-storming outside, I have a cup of coffee in hand, and I'm researching/writing about humanitarian interventions, postwar peace building initiatives, and the like. These are the kinds of lyrics that will be remembered for years. Just as these conflicts will be. John Lennon writes "Imagine" in 1971, just around the time that civil war was heating up in El Salvador, and many other countries around the world.

This is the new year.

The 2012-2013 HLCS team power greeting one September morning.

"Another year you made a promise another chance to turn it all around and do not save this for tomorow embrace the past and you can live for now and I will give the world to you Speak louder that the words before you and give them meaning no one else has found The role we play is so important we are the voices of the underground and I would give the world to you" 

--Ian Axel, "This Is The New Year" 

It's incredible how well this song relates to my decision to come back to serve with City Year Milwaukee one more year. I love it. And am glad to have a go-to song to remind me of my service and why I'm here when the perspective and sleep start to get lost. 

 I am so, so happy with my team thus far this year. They've gelled so well already, and have jumped right in to morning greeting, tutoring, and after school. I love it. While I feel like I have a ton of work to do day-to-day, I know I would have a ton more if they weren't already really awesome. 

 Additionally, I got some wonderful news today. DH, one of my ELA boys from last year, just got his reading test scores back and got a 215. Proficient for SOY 7th graders is 213, which means he's too good to work with CY! I'm so so so unbelievably proud of him. This was the same kid who would jump up in class for no reason, and then when called out on it, not even know why he got up. He just had a ton of energy. He also came to ASP one day, DEMANDING I tell him what really happened to the Titanic. He said, "MS. MARY. I HAVE to know what REALLY happened to the Titanic. I saw the movie, but I just don't believe it. Can I PLEEEEEASE get on the internet or get an encyclopedia to find out?!?!!?" It will always be one of my favorite memories. 

 And now my CMs get to #makebetterhappen for 48 targeted reading students, and many many more. This year will fly by, and it will be hard, but it will be great. I can already tell.

Made this for my 6th grade classroom when I found out we had a sub on the first day. It was subsequently thrown away by the new teacher who came in.

 In doing my pre-work reading for my summer training with City Year, I came across a section about attendance. There is section with questions to help you evaluate what the attendance needs are for your school, and then suggestions to help ameliorate the problem(s). It got me thinking about why students are truant. In the classroom I worked in this past year, there were no consequences for being absent. It was merely that a student missed the lesson from that day. No effort was made on the part of the teacher to make sure s/he got caught up, and even worse, it wasn't made known that the student could go ask for the assignment. Believe me, I tried, trying to get one of my students to take responsibility for missing a day of work. I told him to wait for a moment when our teacher didn't seem busy/stressed out/angry to politely raise his hand and ask for the work.

Wait...back up. Rewind. Our conversation went something like this:

 Me: Don*, why're you just sitting there? (*name has been changed)
Don: I don't have the CLP packet.
Me: How come?
Don: I dunno...I wasn't here when she gave it out.
Me: Oh you're right, that was yesterday. Well, what should you do if you don't have your work?
Don: *blank stare* *shrugs*
Me: What do you think would be a good idea?
Don: I dunno...
Me: Shouldn't you ask her for a packet?
Don: MISS!!!!!! I need --

Okay. So now we're caught up to where I left off. This is where I stopped him from calling out in the middle of class, and told him to wait for the right moment. He sighed (which in my school sounds a lot more like HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), and said that he would just get yelled at so what was the point. I finally convinced him that our teacher was just a stickler for rules, and as long as he followed them she would be happy and acquiesce to his request. Even at this point, 3/4 of the way into my corps year, I was naive to think our teacher wouldn't snap at him.

Don: *raises hand*
Teacher: WHAT?!
Don: *reluctantly looks at me, then back at the teacher* Um...Miss, I don't have a packet.
Teacher: Are...you...SERIOUS?
Don: *looks back at me with a look that says 'told you so', and slumps down in his chair*
Me: *sigh* Psst...Ray* can you do me a huge favor a lend me your packet? I need to make a copy for Don. Make sure you look on with your neighbor til I get back okay?
Ray: *smiles and nods, hands me packet*

 On my way down to the copy machine, I couldn't help but think that the way my teacher handled the situation was completely ineffective. Did she give Don an incentive to want to do his work? No. Did she indicate that he has missed anything and that it was important he make it up? No. No wonder these kids are falling behind, I thought. The issue is that not only is poor attendance/missed work not followed up with consequences by classroom teachers, good attendance and work completion are not rewarded. If I was a 6th grader, I wouldn't want to go to my school either, if I'm being completely honest.

And while it sounds like I'm railing on teachers, I'm not. While I'm fairly certain my teacher was an unfit educator (for many reasons), I fully understand teachers in general are spread very thin as it is, and constant budget cuts doesn't make it easier. But there is something very wrong when not ONE SINGLE STUDENT in the classroom wants to be a teacher when s/he gets older. NOT ONE. When I was in middle school, it was a common answer from about 1/4 of the class. Not that what you say in 6th grade you want to be actually comes true for most, but I found it shocking. Even when we took our middle schoolers on a college tour of UW-Milwaukee and the tour guide asked them how many of them wanted to be teachers, they all shouted "NOOOOOO" like she asked them some horrible question. And then there was a chorus of "I don't wanna deal with all those bad kids!" "I don't wanna work in a broke ass building" etc, etc, etc.

 Le sigh.

By The Numbers...

14 – The number of workdays until City Year graduation. 

9 – The number of in-school service days left. 

2 – The number of Fridays left. 

2 – The number of City Year paychecks left. 

1 – The number of report cards left to see growth in my students. 

 I can’t believe this year is almost over. I can’t believe I lasted. I can’t believe my students are all going to move on to the 7th grade next year. I can’t believe how much growth I’ve seen in most of them. I can’t believe how many challenging years still lie ahead for them. I can’t believe I will, in 2 weeks, no longer be proudly serving as a corps member at Hopkins Lloyd Community School. I can’t believe come July 2nd, I will proudly be serving as a Team Leader for City Year Milwaukee, school TBD. I can’t believe how much I love my students. I can’t believe how much they love me. I can’t believe how much they need me. I can't believe how much I've needed and need them. I can’t believe how much some of them go through every day. I can’t believe almost my entire class of 27 students is on some form of behavior-controlling medication. I can’t believe I’m just finding this out. I can’t believe Doushion and his mom will get to come to the City Year Gala, which might be his first brush with the wealthy. I can’t believe I’m being asked to speak at the Gala. I can’t believe how much I’ve grown and changed this year. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have experienced everything I have this year.

 I want to go through all the students in my class and say what I am most proud of them for. Maybe I’ll give this to them. Maybe I’ll read it to them the last day of school. Maybe I’ll never share it with them. But I need to recognize both my efforts and theirs somehow.

 KA– You realized how important education is for you. You majorly adjusted your attitude since October. You have more confidence about reading aloud. 

AC– You have made crazy strides. I hate that your grades don't reflect it yet, but I can see how badly you want to succeed and make me, your mom, and yourself proud. You know how to ask for help, and now understand that it is not a sign of weakness. You still need reminding, but I think you really know that you can only control yourself. YOU can control your success! 

PE– I may have only succeeded in getting you to reading class half of the time, but that's more than you would have gone if I wasn't there. You WANT to understand math as well. I see so much of myself in you. You brought your grade up from a U to a C in math. I cried out of happiness when I saw that.

MH– One of my starfish. I think you are the boy version of me. Low confidence to start, until an adult believed in me. You went from a U to a B in math and a D to a B in reading. My favorite memory of you is when you changed the words of the Pussycat Dolls' song, "Don't Cha?" and sang, "Don't you wish your students were smart like me?" to me at lunch one day. I know you are destined to do great things. 

DH– I was nervous when I found you on my reading focus list, but you have gotten so much better. We've seen each other at our best and at our worst. I'll never forget the first time you came to me to confide instead of fighting. I'm so proud of you. I love how interested you are in everything, from the Titanic to black holes. Never lose your curiosity! 

DM– Another one of my starfish. You jumped 20 points on your math MAP test. I have never seen a student so committed to success at your age. Your testimonial about me brought me to happy tears. I can't wait to see you succeed in life. 

EP– You are so misunderstood by so many adults in your life. But I know that you can be one of the sweetest kids if you are given a chance. You continually impress me with your knowledge of measurements and conversions in math. 

 JT– You are strong and silent, but I can tell how much you respect me. You try so hard, and you only missed one day of school because you were getting your tonsils out. I want you to continue to speak up in class, and ask questions. You are a smart young person. Own it! 

AW– I knew I was going to have a love/hate relationship with you from the very 1st day of school. I made you my challenge at the midway point, and I vowed I wouldn't give up until your reading grade matched your reading ability. Your MAP scores increased astronomically. I wish you had more focus, but I know that will come with age. I am so proud of your dedication to your education, and for not crumbling under peer pressure and bullying. You are a stronger woman than I was at your age. 


 I want so badly to hold on to all of these students for the rest of their lives, to see how their doing, and to make sure they're staying on track to go to college. I know I can't do that though, and I hope so much that I've taught them enough this year so that they won't fall off next year. The majority of them have been dealt a really crappy hand in life, and they haven't been told by a lot of people that they can change that. These kids and I, we've been on a crazy roller coaster this year. We've survived 3 teacher changes, book shortages, room changes, pencil losses, loss of family members, and much more. We've have triumphs over good choices not to fight but to tell an adult, grade increases and MAP score increases, and improved attendance. I will never, ever forget any of them. Cheers to 2 weeks left. Let's make it count.